For The Other Somes

Okay, so... we've probably all posted about this before - the "Why Not Adopt From Here?" post. But, I've been thinking.... So, grab yourself a glass of wine and sit back if you're not too scared of what my come out of my... erm... keyboard.

What really grinds my gears (<--Family Guy reference!) initially about this stuff is the whole ethno-centric idea that is behind it. It's the same idea behind the facebook groups with names like, "I shouldn't have to press 1 for English when we're in America," crap. Yeah, I said it. It's crap. Don't even get me started on the status update about "Why are we helping people in other countries when people need help here." *shakes head, rolls eyes*

I don't know about you, but last time I checked we were ALL HUMAN. Regardless of the language spoken, or country of birth, or color of skin. And if you're a spiritual person (like myself) then maybe you also believe that we're all God's children. Just because I was born in America doesn't make me more deserving of privilege.

Okay, but I'm not here to talk politics, so let's turn back to adoption, shall we?

Here's the thing. I've been thinking about how some people adopt from "here" and some from "there" and some adopt older children and some adopt infants. And the somes question the other somes for not doing it their way. (Not all the somes, mind you, just some of the somes.) And there is shame involved. "Shame on you for not adopting from here. Those kids need homes too," or "Shame on you for not adopting an older child, they need homes most." And then there's even the, "Why adopt a white baby when there are so many children of color who need homes," question. It's never-ending.

And here is what I think. Adoption is very personal. You have to know what your family can handle. This isn't easy stuff we're talking about. You have to attempt to be mentally and emotionally prepared for things that you can never truly be mentally and emotionally prepared for.

So, why would anyone ever shame a family for choosing their own adoption path? Would anyone really want a family to choose to adopt trans-racially, even if they felt like they couldn't handle it? Only because there are more children of color who need homes? I know I wouldn't. Would anyone really want a family who feels unprepared for the challenges of emotional and behavioral disorders to take the chance of adopting a child with those issues - just because they felt like they should? And what about the children? Think about that.

Alas, this post isn't really for the readers of this blog. I know you all are with me on most of this stuff. I know that you've all been there, done that with the "Why not here?" question. But sometimes I've just got to get these thoughts out. Maybe start a discussion of something? I'm open to hear your thoughts - even if you're not with me on this stuff. It's good to disagree and I welcome your ideas!

Uniquely Amazing

So, I've been thinking lately about how lucky we are. I look at my son and can't help but feel these surges of pure love. It's amazing. I'm sure all parents feel this way, but for us, it's very special because of the journey that brought us to parenthood. (Not to say that we are more special than other parents, but our experience is uniquely amazing to us.)

This brings me to the point of this post. Recently some friends and I were discussing the Sex in the City movie and how it dealt with Charlotte's pregnancy after adopting. She said something like, "My doctor said it [getting pregnant] probably would happen after adopting." My friends had reactions that ran from screaming at the tv to just stopping the movie right there and never finishing it. I remember thinking, "Well, what a load of crap - and what about the beautiful daughter she already has???"

In our discussion, one mom brought up the fact that the statistics show that less than 10% of women who are diagnosed as infertile conceive after adoption. And, seriously, is that why we adopt? Absolutely not. Not here. Not for a minute.

We made the decision to adopt after our second year of trying to conceive. We gave ourselves one year after that, and truth be told, our hearts were just not in it that last year. Our hearts were dreaming of a child somewhere far away. I remember that it felt weird to me to wait for something not to happen every month, when it felt like I should be waiting for something to happen. I would sometimes get excited when I went to the mailbox... for no apparent reason. I think my heart knew how our child would come to us - not by waiting for something not to happen, but by waiting for something to happen - a phone call, a picture in the mail - I didn't know then how, but I knew how it wouldn't happen.

So, when people used to hand us the line, "Oh, you'll probably get pregnant right after you adopt," we'd smile and say something like, "We're not counting on it," or "Well, that would be fine and all, but we're really excited and happy to become parents this way."

The thing is, we're not waiting for pregnancy to happen. We are so extremely happy to build our family by adoption. We. Are. Lucky.

Recently, members of our family learned they are pregnant. We are beyond excited for them. Unfortunately when the calls to announce the good news were made, many people guessed that Kevin and I were pregnant. I felt very small in that moment. I wanted to shout about how we're not TRYING to get pregnant - we are ADOPTING and it is WHAT WE WANT. (I also felt bad for my family members - it was their moment and people were unknowingly confusing it with us.)

Okay, I'll get to the point, rather than rambling and shouting in caps. Our family is not to be pitied. We have an amazing child. We know the path for us is not the easiest, but it is ours. This is our choice and we feel amazingly lucky that our journey led us to adoption, to Ethiopia, to Micah.

We. Are. Lucky.