This brings me to the point of this post. Recently some friends and I were discussing the Sex in the City movie and how it dealt with Charlotte's pregnancy after adopting. She said something like, "My doctor said it [getting pregnant] probably would happen after adopting." My friends had reactions that ran from screaming at the tv to just stopping the movie right there and never finishing it. I remember thinking, "Well, what a load of crap - and what about the beautiful daughter she already has???"
In our discussion, one mom brought up the fact that the statistics show that less than 10% of women who are diagnosed as infertile conceive after adoption. And, seriously, is that why we adopt? Absolutely not. Not here. Not for a minute.
We made the decision to adopt after our second year of trying to conceive. We gave ourselves one year after that, and truth be told, our hearts were just not in it that last year. Our hearts were dreaming of a child somewhere far away. I remember that it felt weird to me to wait for something not to happen every month, when it felt like I should be waiting for something to happen. I would sometimes get excited when I went to the mailbox... for no apparent reason. I think my heart knew how our child would come to us - not by waiting for something not to happen, but by waiting for something to happen - a phone call, a picture in the mail - I didn't know then how, but I knew how it wouldn't happen.
So, when people used to hand us the line, "Oh, you'll probably get pregnant right after you adopt," we'd smile and say something like, "We're not counting on it," or "Well, that would be fine and all, but we're really excited and happy to become parents this way."
The thing is, we're not waiting for pregnancy to happen. We are so extremely happy to build our family by adoption. We. Are. Lucky.
Recently, members of our family learned they are pregnant. We are beyond excited for them. Unfortunately when the calls to announce the good news were made, many people guessed that Kevin and I were pregnant. I felt very small in that moment. I wanted to shout about how we're not TRYING to get pregnant - we are ADOPTING and it is WHAT WE WANT. (I also felt bad for my family members - it was their moment and people were unknowingly confusing it with us.)
Okay, I'll get to the point, rather than rambling and shouting in caps. Our family is not to be pitied. We have an amazing child. We know the path for us is not the easiest, but it is ours. This is our choice and we feel amazingly lucky that our journey led us to adoption, to Ethiopia, to Micah.
We. Are. Lucky.
Love, love, love it.
ReplyDeleteGREAT post. I share a lot of your feelings, probably because the same things have happened to me. On the very day we received our referral, when someone told my mom I had news, she shouted, "Oh! You're pregnant!" knowing that we were already in love with -- and waiting on our referral. Adoption is often a tough road, and often hardest with those we are closest to. But alas, I wouldn't have it any other way; we're growing our family through adoption. And that is our first choice. : )
ReplyDeleteGreat post Stacie! I've known of a couple of people that made the decision to adopt and, while waiting, became pregnant (one had infertility issues, one didn't). Both were so upset by the surprise pregnancy because their hearts had made the choice to adopt.
ReplyDeleteI love your family and it is perfect in every way and will be more perfect when your little girl is added. Never let anyone second-guess your decisions...follow your heart!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for saying it all so perfectly! We started the process after we were told I was completely infertile and COULD NOT conceive unless we tried IVF, and even that was only a 20% shot. I had been dreaming of adoption my whole life, so when I was told I was infertile it felt more like a blessing than the curse some people see it as. I look at Sam and know he was the child meant for us and, let's face it, Gregg and I could NEVER produce a life that glorious and beautiful. (no offense honey.) I am told all the time by my aunts that once we have Sam home "all the stress will go away and you'll get pregnant." But I won't. And I don't want to. I want SAM. that's it. Someday, we'll need Sam's sister, but we already know where she is...in Ethiopia. Why would we look any further?
ReplyDeleteI can always count on you Stacie to say whats on my mind more eloquently than I ever could! Thanks again...I may have to link this to my blog.
I could not have said it better myself. These are all the thoughts I have, but could never write them out as well as you have! I can't even count the number of times I've heard the "You guys will probably come home from Ethiopia pregnant!" or "You'll get pregnant after you adopt". As though pregnancy is some sort of reward for adopting.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine our lives without Eli. We feel extremely lucky as well!
I can not say how much we LOVE this post! My hubby and I are in the same boat and feel the exact same way!!! Amazingly put!!! Cheers to you!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs
Dani
Yes yes yes! YES! Great post girl. Very well spoken, and straight from the heart. I really don't know what else to say...simply lucky to have you as a bloggie!
ReplyDeleteI never saw that movie but that is extremely offensive. Hollywood still seems to be in the dark ages when it comes to adoption and being sensitive and respectful of it. But, I wanted to say that I became pregnant when adopting our daughter from China. We were surprised and happy, of course, as there was now two babies to anticipate and love. However, I HATED it when people said to me, "Oh doesn't that always happen?" with a warm, gushy smile on their faces. I would respond, "No, I don't think it does." The worst thing was a relative that wrote that my second child was a "reward" for doing God's will. My adoption was not an act of charity, but a fulfilling of my own desires. The happiest day of my life was receiving my daughter in China. It was the day I became a mother. When my second child was born and was handed to me, the feeling was so familiar - it was identical to the feeling I had as my first baby was handed to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, a few years later, we are choosing adoption again. This time from Ethiopia.
It makes me sad that some people will never get it, but I would not trade the joy I've experienced for anything.
Beautifully put Stacie. I saw that movie and was utterly disgusted during that particular part.
ReplyDeleteI love seeing families built through adoption. Although I've had tummy babies and we've adopted I wouldn't change that. However our adoption did something inside us that a tummy birth never could. Its amazing how families are built, no two are the same, yet one common thing remains. We are FAMILY!
Silas came up while I was reading...he wants you to know he like George.
YES!!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree. I hear ya. I could not have said it better. Just the other day this family friend messaged me that she was reading our book but could only take a chapter at a time because, as she put it... "My heart is breaking so much for you"... I messaged her back "whoa, whoa, whoa! You are missing the point of our story if your heart is breaking for ME! I am GOLDEN! GOLDEN! I would not have my family ANY other way! If your heart should be breaking for anyone, it should be for one of the 4.4 million orphans in Ethiopia"
Anyway, I just agree and feel ya. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me and my total lack of interest in being pregnant. I have no interest in that. And birth control is still in full affect for us because of this.
Too much information??? Sorry.
oh yah... Sex and The City! I felt the same thing. I was so annoyed during that part too....
ReplyDeleteLove that you are clarifying that only 10% of adopting couples conceive shortly after.
Yes. We. Are. :)
ReplyDeleteWe have yet another twist- I hate that people typically assume that we cannot get pregnant and that is why we adopted. It's like people can't get their heads around that adoption was our first choice and that I would rather adopt than be pregnant! Why is adoption aways looked at like second place or something??
UGH...tell me about it. And today I overheard my mom tell someone, "They might try again to have another baby of their own." Mez is as much our own as Rhett or any of our future babies no matter how that baby comes to us. I love that you posted the 10% statistic. I may have to post something similar to this on our blog for my mom to see...I would give you credit, but I wouldn't want my mom to see this comment. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see Micah's baby sister!
Preach it sister! Love it. You said what so many of us have thought and felt, but you said it eloquently and beautifuly. So thanks, friend!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand why people want to have babies and that is great but we have chosen to adopt all of our future children...yep, we CHOSE it, we didn't settle on it. And oh how we love it this way!
The book that statistic is in is called Weaving a Family: Untangling Race and Adoption by Barbara Katz Rothman. If I remember right, it's somewhere near the beginning. Just in case anyone wants to have the original source.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love this post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteAmazing Post and very well writtin
ReplyDeleteGreat post! People always assume infertility is our reason for adopting, and some have said, "Maybe you'll get pregnant now." I always find it so insulting. It feels like all the good wishes were fake, like what people really think is, "Maybe they'll get pregnant so they'll stop this adoption nonsense." It's nice to know other people are experiencing the same thing. Thanks for sharing. I read your blog because it gives me hope that one day we will get there and feel so lucky as well.
ReplyDeleteamen, sistah! we chose to adopt both our kids (plan A for us all the way!!!!)
ReplyDeleteAll I can really say to this post is thank you. My husband and I also tried fertility treatments (which I NEVER felt was the right thing). When we decided to adopt, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It was the perfect decision for us!! Adoption was NEVER plan B; we just didn't realize it actually plan A right away. And I HATE it when people give me the "pregnancy" line. Sure, that'd be fine, but I'm really, really, really happy with growing my family through adoption... And I am so in love with my precious daughter!! Enough rambling. Thank you again!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Stacy for saying this so beautifully. Love it. And you know what else I'm sick of right now? People telling me how lucky Anna is. This hasn't really bothered me until now. But really, we are the lucky ones!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! And I'm lucky to know you!
ReplyDeleteI will be yet one more person who completely agrees with you! Thanks for your eloquent post.
ReplyDeleteIf there is one thing I understand by being part of the adoption world, adoption is not 2nd place to pregnancy! It is a calling. After trying to conceive also for 2 years, we were overjoyed when we felt God calling us to adopt. As soon as I relayed medical results to my husband, within 1 minute (seriously), he said to me, "Guess what, I think this means we're adopting! We cried b/c we were so ready, excited, and RELIEVED for this confirmation. There was never a moment of sadness. Praise God! In adoption, there is nothing to be sad about, except for the burden we feel for the precious orphans. We also don't want to be pregnant, but to continue growing our family through adoption. :)
You go girl! Great post!
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