Last night I was at work entering an order into a computer when this man walks by who I recognize - it took me a second before blurting (yelling) out "DR. W!" Uh, yeah - our fertility specialist. What do you say to your former fertility specialist? Well, I felt kind of silly then, but I whipped out pictures of Micah and then thanked him for being so kind to us. All the while he is looking at me, trying to figure out who the heck I am. I explained that it was 3 years ago and I wasn't offended that he didn't remember me. I thanked him again and we said our goodbyes.
Then I cried.
Then I remembered I was at work and there is no crying at work. Not when you wait tables. No one wants a teary-eyed server, after all. I pulled it together and went back to work.
I was really not expecting that reaction. Of course, I wasn't expecting to see Dr. W either, but I couldn't figure out why it made me want to curl up and cry. So in the midst of doing my nightly sidework, I thought about it.
I think, and I'm not sure, that seeing him was a reminder of that desperate time. If there is one word I'd use to describe our time with fertility specialists, it would be desperate. And perhaps seeing my kind doctor's face brought that all back up, in that small moment.
I wanted to sit him down and tell him all about Micah and how lucky we are to have him, and, can you believe it - we're lucky enough to be waiting for another baby? I wanted to thank him for being so dependable and patient with us during one of the darkest times of our lives. I wanted to tell him that our experience with him wasn't a failure. Not at all. It was a stepping stone. He was part of our journey, and without him and his supportive and wonderful staff, perhaps we would not have been strong enough to make the leap from desperate to hopeful.
Maybe we would have. I don't know, but I'm grateful for that time in our lives. And I'm grateful for Dr. W.
As you said. He(Dr.) was definetly part of your journey to Micah.After having Bethi and Amanu home with us for a year,we are still realizing the different steps in our lives that brought them to us.We have blessings to count!
ReplyDelete"the leap from desperate to hopeful"...I've missed your writing! Even when I just stalk and read and don't comment...I've missed your writing. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, this is just so, so, so beautiful. I know that place of desperation. What a RELIEF, a GIFT, a BLESSING to now see it only in the rearview mirror. Thank you so much for this special post.
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes. I often think about making an appt to see our fertility specialist and show off Sammy. She was amazing when the final "results" were in after all those months of hell and she told us about many, many programs both domestic and international and how fantastic adoption was (which we of course already knew.) And I look at Sammy and am so HAPPY yes HAPPY that I have a useless uterus because he is OUR BABY and I just could not imagine life (or at least a happy life) without him.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
Thanks for posting this Stacie! I'm sure a TON of us feel the same way but you put it into words.
Bravo, Stacie! Bravo for sharing that moment with us!
ReplyDeleteBravo for Micah! Bravo for sharing him with us!
xoxo
ps- is something crazy in the air or what?!
It's always hard to remember back to that time, but I love that you were able to tell your doctor about your wonderful son. They might not always hear the happy endings that aren't a direct result of their medical assistance.
ReplyDeleteI often want to see my doctor again to thank him and tell him all about Maya but I fear he won't remember me. Thank you for being honest and sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteOur specialist was a jerk and I remember, clear as a bell, him saying to us, when I brought up adoption, "Oh, you're going to be much happier with this solution." What a pompous thing to say when he absolutely knows that 50% of the people he works with will leave his office without a child. In the years since, I've been tempted to send him a photo of G and a note that reads, "I'm much happier with this 'solution'." Except I know he wouldn't remember us and wouldn't care. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. Love it.
ReplyDeleteSo touching. Smiling through the tears. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh this post. Thank you for writing it.
ReplyDeletehugs. you know, we didn't ever get to a fertility specialist, but I can relate through thinking back to all those moments of hope purchasing pregnancy tests and the pain of the - symbol and long stares of thinking I wasn't seeing it right while standing seemingly frozen in time.
ReplyDeletelook at us all now. The winding road and all the valleys make some sense, and I am thankful.
Thanks for sharing friend. love you!
Thank God for healing hearts and for opening a door when another closes. Peace.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I run tino my fertility doc we cry and hug!! She encouraged us to adopt and has always been so happy for us. It really is amazing to think back about how we get to where we are today with our families. Thank you for sharing!! I'm so glad all of you serious bloggers are posting every day this month - it's great for us lurkers!!
ReplyDeleteThe day I called my fertility specialist's office and said I wasn't going to continue the treatments (which never felt right and made me feel like a crazy person), I felt free. Our path was not for me to bear a child, and when we gave our hearts over to adoption wholly and completely, I have never been so relieved in my entire life.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely pegged that one. That's what I think about the whole infertility struggle - desperate. To even bring up that window of life can make you teary - even if you don't even WANT to get pregnant now (which is how I feel at this point!)
ReplyDelete