(Norah & Micah were sharing a swing - Micah kept leaning back on her!)
You can barely see Norah back there behind my big baby!It was pretty cute stuff watching those two share a swing. (By the way - swing sharing is the way to go - no worries about baby toppling out of the swing - he or she is completely balanced! :)
Norah has been home about 2 months - seeing her made me think about the time when Micah had just come home. Let me preface by saying that I never really posted about how hard it was because - well, I was afraid to sound like I was complaining - and it's really hard to feel like you'll sound whiny when you know so many people are waiting for their little ones to come home. So - I think I'm finally in a place where you all know that I'm not complaining - I'm just talking, so please don't think I am for a minute not eternally grateful for my son and for the great privilege of being a mom.
So, here it is - it was HARD. I had no idea what we were in for. There really is no way to describe it, but I really look back on those first two months and only see a blur. This blur included the following: extreme happiness, sobbing, exhaustion, elation, confusion, frustration, laughter and more sobbing. And that was just me - add to that little Micah's confusion at being in a completely new place with new people! It was especially confusing that I did not feel like I was walking on air ALL THE TIME! Wasn't that how it was supposed to be? I had waited for and wanted this for so long - shouldn't I be smiling instead of crying?
I should say that most of the time I was smiling. But, there were the times, I can't lie, when I felt so out of sorts. Being a new mom is so sudden - you're suddenly expected to know everything this baby needs and when - but most of the time you don't. It takes a while to figure it out. I used to agonize over the naps - the scheduling, the feeding - and how to somehow fit a shower in there without having my house look like crap.
I was lucky - I have a very close friend who has four children - ages 10, 8, 3, and 1 1/2. I turned to her a lot during those first few months and she would patiently listen, and then say, "Every day will get better, I promise." I clung to those words- It will get better. This doesn't mean that things were bad, or that I wasn't enjoying motherhood, I was just having such a hard time figuring it all out. It was hard to accept that I didn't enter mommyhood with the perfection I thought I would have. I remember saying to her, "I really thought I was going to be great at this, but I feel like I suck at it!" So, my frustration was more with myself than with Micah. I never felt frustrated by him, but more by my inability to figure it out.
Around this time I also found a really funny book that helped a bit called I was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids. That's kind of how I felt at first too! :) Before Micah came home I just knew I was going to be great! But, since that wasn't how I felt after he came home - well, it was good to see in writing that I wasn't alone.
The truth is - my friend was right - it did get better. SOOO much better. We started to fall into a routine that worked. The spit-up decreased (oh the spit-up!), the midnight pooping stopped, naps were finally on a schedule, and I started to understand my child and what he needed. Now, don't get me wrong - it isn't all buckets of cherries all the time - let it be known that I just ordered two books on toddler discipline because our son has started throwing massive fits and we're at a loss. We're still learning, still figuring it out - and I expect that will continue for about... well, forever really. But, I feel way more comfortable in my role of mom - I don't hold myself to super-high expectations that have no place in reality. I know that I'll make mistakes, but I also know that I'll learn from them and we'll move on from there.
So, why am I posting this? I think it helps other moms to not feel alone about this stuff. Some moms take to those first few months and actually do feel like they're walking on air all the time. I know some of these moms - and I think that's wonderful. But, it's not always like that for all of us, and it's good to know you're not alone in that.
I am glad your honest, it does seem like people hold back from writing how they are truly feel. I worry about the adjustment, I have never been anyones mom before. That thought not only excites me it scares me! I want to get the book, I have heard a lot of good things about it.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate you being real. It seems like we hear the stories of how great it is and how well everyone is adjusting, but I know that the reality is, things can be difficult. It helps a lot with my expectations to just hear the reality,rather than the fantasy. And truthfullly, though it can seem daunting, it just makes me more excited! Thank you!!!
ReplyDeletehOh - those early days are so hard. I remember pacing the house at night with Ruby in the Ergo. I was so tired I could barely stand and she was just crying. I'd lean against the door jamb and wonder what the @#$% I had done. But - there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it gradually gets brighter and brighter as things improve.
ReplyDeleteNow - a year later, I still sometimes wonder what I've done but it's for a whole different reason. I just hope I'm not completely undone by toddlerhood. ;0)
Kerri and Ruby
Stacie, this is a wonderful post, so true. I totally get your hesitancy to post all this while it was happening. I felt similar things for those two weeks Ted and I were apart not long after we'd come home with Abe. I thought, "I can't complain about this! We longed for this such a long time!" But it IS hard. Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for being so open. I often agonize about what those first few months will be like. I know that I'll be thrilled to finally hold our child, but at the same time I am completely paralyzed with fear that I'm actually going to suck at it--and negate all those positive things I'd heard and felt all this time while I was waiting. (Wow, that's a long sentence.) So, thank you for being REAL. Now I feel better knowing that it's ok when I'm not the perfect new mom (or old mom) and that I don't have to know everything right away. Even though I desperately hope to. : ) When will I learn?
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who's only been home for 11 days and still trying to figure it all out - thank you for your honesty!! It *is* great to finally have her home, and it *is* wonderful to be a mother, but it sure as heck isn't easy!!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard and sometimes harder for adoptive parents as our children come to us with expectaions, routines, and personalities that are strong. I applaud you talking about how hard it is. Others need to know they aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteStacie!!
ReplyDeleteSwing sharing.... I have never seen this before. Very cute.. Norah is presh, as is Micah!
As for the adjustment to being a new mom... I know there are hard days. We had a fairly easy time getting Silas on a schedule and in a routine, but I lost MY routine! It took me almost a year to finally find the place where I could add some of the things I need (the gym) back into our routine. :)
Wonderful, honest post. While I am soooo looking forward to our referral and the day we hold our baby, I am also utterly terrified because I know it will be HARD. I love when people are honest about it!
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. I like to hear the real stuff- I mean, obviously it's all real and good, but it helps to hear the hard stuff that isn't roses and sweetness all the time...maybe it will prepare me for what I am about to embark on...or maybe I still just think it will be perfect and Malak will never cry and I will always shower ect. :) Haha.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, honest post. Thanks for sharing. I felt the same way after having my bio. children. Nothing can really prepare you for motherhood!!! I do think it's important for mom's to not feel like they're alone. Having those feelings can make you feel really guilty, and in the moment, you don't realize that everyone feels the same way! :)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you are not perfect like I am:-) Just kidding, this post is so great. It is such an adjustment..of course a good adjustment in the end but every day isn't always perfect. There are many times where I wonder what the heck I was thinking but then Pacey smiles at me and I then know! It is so great that we can all share these feelings with one another. Thanks for posting this!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your honesty Stacie, and I know that I will revisit this post for strength and inspiration during the tough times! It's very encouraging to know that when things are tough, it WILL get better, and that someone who has experienced it firsthand can relate, and give words of encouragement!
ReplyDeleteStacie-
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this! I have to say that I read your blog and it seems like you are supermom! It did not seem like the transition was at all tricky. I keep wondering, how am I going to know what to do? It makes me feel good to know that it is tricky but doable! I love your blog- you are truly a resource for us:o)
you mean to tell me it's not like in the movies?!?
ReplyDeleteThank You! Thank You!! Thank YOU!!! I'm so scared everytime I post about a glitch in Sylas land that people will think I'm such an ungrateful brat of a woman. But being a mom is really really hard! Babies are sneaky little devils. About the time you think you have something figured out they change it up on ya. I'm so glad you said it. And I'm ordering the book! And I'm going to repeat your mantra it will get better!!!
ReplyDeleteLove the honesty of this blog post.
ReplyDeleteStacie--I love this post. I wanted to add that things are different with everything child. Supergirl was supereasy for us. Laidback, always pretty calm. So we began to think we were superparents :) Wow, did Boomer ever change that. Just the difference in temperament has turned our house upside down. Although it is much better now. But the constant spitting up, waking up all night, and screaming in the beginning certainly didn't make things any easier. As much as I love my kids they are definitely a lot of work. But, as you know, so totally worth it :)
ReplyDeleteI whole-heartedly agree with that last comment...all four of mine have such different personalities and have had their difficult days at different ages. I have to say, though, that I am totally loving this infant stage now at 8 months with Ash. I just hope it doesn't turn into toddler tantrums too soon! I definitely find those are the days I keep asking, "What was I thinking?" But, they too will pass. Although, when friends or family who had children leaving their home told me that it all went by too fast, I honestly have to say I didn't really believe them. When I had 2 in diapers and one mischievous preschooler, the days seemed very, very, very long! But, you know what, they are already turning around and it's just easier. Of course, I haven't dealt with teenagers yet, so I'm sure that will be another whole thing altogether! : )
ReplyDelete