Okay, so... we've probably all posted about this before - the "Why Not Adopt From Here?" post. But, I've been thinking.... So, grab yourself a glass of wine and sit back if you're not too scared of what my come out of my... erm... keyboard.
What really grinds my gears (<--Family Guy reference!) initially about this stuff is the whole ethno-centric idea that is behind it. It's the same idea behind the facebook groups with names like, "I shouldn't have to press 1 for English when we're in America," crap. Yeah, I said it. It's crap. Don't even get me started on the status update about "Why are we helping people in other countries when people need help here." *shakes head, rolls eyes*
I don't know about you, but last time I checked we were ALL HUMAN. Regardless of the language spoken, or country of birth, or color of skin. And if you're a spiritual person (like myself) then maybe you also believe that we're all God's children. Just because I was born in America doesn't make me more deserving of privilege.
Okay, but I'm not here to talk politics, so let's turn back to adoption, shall we?
Here's the thing. I've been thinking about how some people adopt from "here" and some from "there" and some adopt older children and some adopt infants. And the somes question the other somes for not doing it their way. (Not all the somes, mind you, just some of the somes.) And there is shame involved. "Shame on you for not adopting from here. Those kids need homes too," or "Shame on you for not adopting an older child, they need homes most." And then there's even the, "Why adopt a white baby when there are so many children of color who need homes," question. It's never-ending.
And here is what I think. Adoption is very personal. You have to know what your family can handle. This isn't easy stuff we're talking about. You have to attempt to be mentally and emotionally prepared for things that you can never truly be mentally and emotionally prepared for.
So, why would anyone ever shame a family for choosing their own adoption path? Would anyone really want a family to choose to adopt trans-racially, even if they felt like they couldn't handle it? Only because there are more children of color who need homes? I know I wouldn't. Would anyone really want a family who feels unprepared for the challenges of emotional and behavioral disorders to take the chance of adopting a child with those issues - just because they felt like they should? And what about the children? Think about that.
Alas, this post isn't really for the readers of this blog. I know you all are with me on most of this stuff. I know that you've all been there, done that with the "Why not here?" question. But sometimes I've just got to get these thoughts out. Maybe start a discussion of something? I'm open to hear your thoughts - even if you're not with me on this stuff. It's good to disagree and I welcome your ideas!
We got a warning from our caseworker. She told us when we readopt we may have to have a home visit from our county dfs office. She told us that they can be really hard and mean about adopting internationally! YIKES...but so far we haven't had to do anything. It is all a personal choice for each family. We did try to adopt from foster care but it is not for the faint of heart and with 3 other kiddos...well you can only watch your kids' heart get broke once! Anyway...that's my opinion. We let God lead the way...and he took us to Ethiopia and our Elijah! :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post because it is an issue we get asked A LOT! We always say that if you are open to adoption then you are open to adoption from anywhere. If you have the capacity to love a child, it doesn't matter where the child is from.
ReplyDeleteWe are asked this a lot as well, and it gets old telling the same answer over and over again because it's long and, frankly, kind of boring. So lately I've been saying that we chose Ethiopia because we went to an Ethiopian restaurant once and really liked the food. Most people get that it's a joke, but some get confused. I mean, really? You think we would make a choice as big as this based on food? Oh, dear.
ReplyDelete(But we really DO like Ethiopian food.)
AMEN SISTA! I'll never forget the blankedyblank man at our yard sale that said with a VERY mean look on his face, "Why would you adopt one of those kids when there are kids in America that need homes." I said, "Sir, I think all children are equal and they all deserve families." He said nothing. Speechless. Because there is no more to say.
ReplyDeleteWOOHOO! Totally agree with you. We get this a lot too. In fact we got in on Family Day at an Ethiopian restaurant. This seeminly nice family sat down next to us and not so quietly began talking about international adoption. They had the facts ALL wrong and their college age daughter even said "Why would anyone want to go to one of those places for a baby? I guess if they do hopefully they don't have stay long." Yeah and it just went on and on. Luckily my daughter is young and didn't understand and our meal was over. But we did make sure to say loudly to our waitress who thought it was great that we had been to Ethiopia. How amazingly beautiful the country and the people are and how we can't wait to go back with our daughter and some day our son as well.
ReplyDeleteWe AP's need posts like this to help us share how we are coping with difficult situations. When we decided to adopt internationally we found that many people are more ignorant than we ever had suspected. (Don't get me wrong we had a multitude of awesome supporters too.) But some of the things people would say like, "Um, you do know that the child will be black right?" or "Don't all those kids have HIV?". Criminy, what rock have these people crawled out from under? Honestly, I am getting quite good at telling who is just curious/good natured but generally ignorant (in which case I relish the opportunity to advocate and educate) and who has an agenda. For those agenda people I say something like "I didn't question your right to create your family in the manner that you did-so you have no place to question my family." I know that trying to argue with agenda people won't work so I just try to close the discussion.
ReplyDeleteGreat post girl! I am always trying to come up with clever responses without being nasty, although nastiness is what some rude people need! I always seem to feel like I need to explain myself and I know that is wrong. But at the same time, I want to educate people. The people that are open to a new view, I get. The ones that are just outright rude, I'm working on that! Since we were in the American Foster system prior to Ethiopia, we get it. The crazy thing is, for us, the ones that make those "why not adopt from the U.S." statements, have never nor will never adopt.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better. This was an awesome post!
ReplyDeleteBRAVO! Clap-Clap! BRAVO! Clap-Clap! BRAVO!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post...totally agree with you on this and I had to laugh because I just recently got a "shame on you" talk for not thinking of adopting an older child.
ReplyDeleteI've gotten this question a few times, too. My answer is similar to yours, although I really like the ET food response someone said above! :)
ReplyDeleteGoodness, we AP could talk on this for HOURS, couldn't we? This is definitely a gear grinder (loved the reference!) and sometimes I really want to smack some people in the face. Every once in a while I'll have a little too much fun answering those people (well, I don't know if his dad was black...) but most of the time, my answer is very simple -- and it's usually met with a smile, and that someone walking away. I simply say, "well, clearly that's just not where God put our son."
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your post. I came across your blog in researching our adoption options and have felt very inspired by your families experiences. Its hard to understand why people become so uncomfortable and judgemental of others building their families and opening their homes in a way that is less familiar to them.
ReplyDelete